Here I am wide awake and in the dark. The same line playing in my mind over and over again. The same thought. I do not know if I am going crazy but I am most certainly going to die…soon…if I do not do something. My husband is sound asleep beside me. He is so peaceful and handsome. He is so loving. God bless him for waiting for me and for being patient for 60 years. Yes, I am freak’n 85 years old and I cannot even believe myself. Why am I still alive, what’s really my purpose? My husband seems to have one and I can’t stop myself from thinking that I am the reason he has not fulfilled that purpose. But that is my purpose right, as his wife, to help him fulfil his.
The only plan I can come up with now means I’ll have to give up my position for someone else. That will only prove my love for him, right?
I wish someone will answer my questions.
I know just the right person and am I wrong for already despising her. She is beautiful, hardworking and loyal. She knows my husband and she knows me. But what if she actually gets pregnant, what will happen to me? I know that’s kind of the point but I don’t think I can bear the humiliation. To know that it is actually me that has a problem-that I am barren.
So why am I here? What is my purpose, Lord? To be humiliated? But I am humble, right? I mean, I am willing to give up everything even my pride and position to fulfil your will.
Who said God needed help? Silence
At the first break of light, I am going to make haste. He might not like it but he won’t say no. The moment I bring her before him. He’s a man. Yeah sadly he’s a man and he won’t be able to say no because she’s so beautiful. And I am old.
I’ll wake her and say “You have lived with us since your birth. We have fed you and clothed you. We have trained your hands to work and we taught you to fear God. Now you will do this thing for me, Hagar, you will give my husband a son.”
The thought of it makes me want to throw-up. But what if he refuses and doesn’t take her. That will just increase my guilt. If I died maybe he would feel better.
It is easier to runway from the truth and just keep living like nothing matters but eventually it does and you begin to question the purpose of life. It is at this time that some seek God. It is at this time that some take their life out of frustration. But me, I’m not doing any. I am trying to find a solution myself. I will probably fail. God never does it quickly and taking my life is cowardice. And right now my attitude is plain pride.
I am tired of pondering this path. I’ve been on it too long and God and my husband have been good enough to me. I Feel like I do not deserve it anymore. Yeah the pity. I cannot differentiate it from love anymore.
EXODUS 23:26- AND NONE WILL MISCARRY OR BE BARREN IN YOUR LAND. I WILL GIVE YOU A FULL LIFE SPAN
How does it feel to be without a child for so long?
What can you do to overcome the trying period?
Have you been in a similar position what is your advice?
Are you still in a similar position what is your strength?
I remember talking to an older friend who had a baby and I remembered her expressions and description of the process. A lot of procedures go into delivery and sometimes it can be a painful one. But there is also this feeling of joy and hope. From an African background, for ones family to be satisfied with the cries of a baby is peace enough. A lot of women are disrespected for their conditions. More troubling is what women go through in their mind just to see their families happy. I called this untouched because a barren woman has not experienced the mix of pain and joy. She has not experienced the child moving around in her womb. For some the miracle is around the corner and others have moved on from the thought. This story is reaching out to women in this struggle. Also this story is about purpose. For a single person, the physical reward of a life well served can be a struggle if not received when expected. We begin to question and doubt our faith and purpose in life. We begin to feel that matters should be handled by our own hands. But eventually we fail. ‘Life is not a sprint, it is a marathon.’ With hard work comes perseverance.